By Gareth Edwards

Sunday 30 September 2012

"It's me not you" and the Rules about Sofas

Welcome to the blog that answers your questions about everything in the entire universe throughout all recorded time, weather permitting.  

@clangerfan1 Is it ever ok to eat Wotsits on the sofa?
Unfortunately not. The principles governing what can and cannot be eaten on a sofa were drawn up by The Royal Guild of Upholsterers at the Council of Chesterfield in 1573. The fourth paragraph reads “Also herewith forbidden on any settee, easie chaire or Pouffe by this Auctoritee is the consumption of chese or mete that hath byn toasted or grilled by any means whatsoever, or resolved into a form of any mooreish Snacke not yet discovered.” The haphazard spelling of the Chesterfield Statutes lead to the Case of Regina versus Walkers Crisps (1974), when the makers of Wotsits claimed that “mooreish” here meant “of North African Islamic origin”. Walkers won, and for two years in the mid seventies Wotsits were eaten on all kinds of upholstered furniture but the decision was reversed following an appeal in the High Court by The Noble Fellowship of Kebab Carvers.

Is the statement, "No, it's me, not you," always a lie?
No. It would be true, for example, in the following conversation between this week’s guest incompatible couple Jatalie and Timpert.

Jatalie:             Are you breaking up with me because I am someone who is only able to deal with emotionally-charged situations by resorting to trite platitudes?

Timpert:             No, it’s me, not you.

@amticketyboo Why is Richard Marx waiting for me right there?
Oh dear. I’m afraid there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. Pop/rock singer-songwriter Richard Marx isn’t right there. He was right here, waiting for you. He turned up in 1989 and moped around the kitchen for 22 years droning on about his non-specific heart problems and whether you’d maybe misunderstood the arrangements. In the end I had to ask him to leave as his haircut was becoming a liability.

candyflossandvodka Who would win in a fight? An orange or a lemon?
A lemon is sharper.

@GrassRootsMgr Which has helped advance humanity the most, gloves or shoes?
We have certainly come a long way in shoes, but there are still some areas where gloves have the upper hand, as anyone who has tried to take a casserole out of the oven using a stiletto slingback can attest. Mittens on the other hand have only held humanity back. Since Vaarsijd Innsijd’s invention of the mitten in sixth century Norway over 140,000 days have been spent looking for lost children’s mittens, the equivalent of 5.1 parents’ entire lives.

@Testudo_Aubreii What would the world be like if water moved under its own volition instead of going where gravity told it to?
Our best illustration of this is perhaps the events following the Wilson government’s nationalization of gravity in August 1967. Unfortunately the newly-formed British Weight Board and the National Water Council could not agree on who had responsibility for making water go downhill, and in the absence of any effective regulation several small rivers began to go uphill and Lake Windermere slowly tipped on its side, making it popular for downhill water-skiing. More confusion was to come in October when rain across the country began to fall up as well as down, and by November ceiling baths had become the norm and sales had rocketed for umbrellington boots. Wilson effectively ended the crisis that month, reassuring the nation that water weighed the same as it always had in his famous “the pound in your bucket” speech, and emergency legislation was passed throughout England bringing water back under the laws of physics. However by an oversight the legislation failed to mention Wales, where to this day rain comes at you from every possible direction.

That’s all for now. Next time why not try Some Kind of Explanation with a generous helping of homemade custard?


  1. Dear SKOE - If Felix Baumgartner breaks the sound barrier today, who is going to pick up the bill for the repairs?

  2. Why is there so much dust? (To clarify, I'm referring to the stuff that lands on my tables, not the dust from Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy. Though I never completely understood that dust, either. It's supposed to be dark matter?)

  3. I'm only 5ft so I'm thinking I should switch to shortbread. What do you think?