Hats, Quinces, Margaret Atwood and Custard.

A collection of facts is not knowledge any more than a collection of stones is a cathedral. Here then in answer to your questions about the mysteries of the universe are; a curvy bit from a Gothic window, two limestone blocks, a bit of a pillar, a roof-tile and a kidney stone from a bishop.  The rest is up to you.

How many people annually eat their shoes? Is it more than eat their hats?

Here are the results from the Bayerische Schuh-und-Hut Fressenfest for the last four years. 2007 – Shoes 513, Hats 457; 2008 – Shoes 453, Hats 617; 2009 - Shoes 0, Hats 1; 2010 Shoes 913, Hats 0, Towels 1. To explain a couple of surprising things in these statistics – 2009 saw a venue change from Bayern in Southern Germany to the island fortress of Iwo Jima in the Pacific. The organiser, Klaus Wurstwerfer confidently asserted that if this affected attendance he would eat his hat.  In 2010 the competition ended in disarray: as everybody knows the Fressenfest traditionally begins with a hat being thrown into the ring, after which the opposition put the boot in, and so on, but in 2010 a misunderstanding with the laundry lead to the hat-eaters mistakenly throwing in the towel thus technically ruling themselves out.

How can I tell left from right, and remember which is which?

There’s a simple rhyme for this –

Left is on the left hand side

Right is on the right

All the rest have thirty-one

Divorced beheaded survived.

Why does only the left side of my body make clicking noises?

There are all kinds of explanations for clicking and it’s hard to know without more information: for example if you are have an oak skeleton then it’s possible you have death-watch beetle; if you are a ten year old child with a retractable biro in your left hand you may be trying to get on your dad’s nerves when he’s trying to read the paper; or possibly the whole left side of your body may be the opening number from West Side Story.  The good news is that somewhere out there is someone who makes clicking noises only down the right side of their body, and I have a feeling if you two get together you’ll totally click.

My daughter has drawn a picture that she says is The Leaning Tower of Treason. Where is that and why is it so called?

The Leaning Tower of Treason is in the picturesque market town of Treason, Wiltshire. It was designed to exactly resemble the Leaning Tower of Pisa by local architect Henry Leaning, and when it was first completed it was known as the Leaning Leaning Tower of Pisa of Treason, but it was built on the wrong kind of swamp and over the years it became gradually vertical, until the second “leaning” was dropped from the name. In the 1970s the tower was covered in brick-effect cladding and unsympathetically double glazed so the resemblance to Pisa diminished and it was simply called The Leaning Tower of Treason.  Then in the 80s it was shortened to one storey and turned into a branch of Tower Records.

What has become of the great British Quince?

Feeling sidelined by sharp-suited kiwi fruits, young urban papayas with their I-pods, and street-smart mangos with their Blackberries the old-fashioned quince has dropped out of the fruit race and has been spending the last few years happily hanging about in mossy country gardens with its friends the mulberry and the damson, and occasionally getting deliciously jellied at a local cheese board.  It says it’s never been happier but does go on a bit about that time it was in The Owl and the Pussycat.

Are fortune cookies wiser than other biscuits?

No. Compared to most biscuits fortune cookies are idiots.  The wisest biscuits are Chocolate Kierkegaards, but unfortunately they have a leathery taste as they are made out of leather. The Custard Russell is also thought of as an intelligent biscuit, but it is unavailable in shops as it’s an abstract concept. Margaret Atwood is very clever, but is not a biscuit at all.

I hope that’s cleared up some of the mysteries of the universe. However do remember that here at Some Kind of Explanation the mission is to have ALL of the mysteries of the universe explained before time itself shall cease, so do keep the questions coming in.

The smell of success and the socks of despair.

More from the blog that aims to answer every possible question in the universe as sent in by you, the readers. Although if you aren’t reading this then sorry to have been presumptuous.

Why did humans decide on business cards?

In these days of carpets and clothing it’s not practical for humans to introduce themselves by scent-marking or bottom-sniffing. Besides we just don’t have the right glands, and our sense of smell is too unsophisticated to make the nuanced distinctions in odour needed to arrange a pack or society. So people have had to fall back on the next most obvious solution, using small pieces of cardboard to make subtle judgements about each-other's status on the basis of things like choice of font.

Did history correctly answer the Schleswig-Holstein Question?

No. In the examination history ran out of time, panicked and answered A to all of the remaining seventeen questions, one of which was the Schleswig-Holstein question. So the fundamental problem is that history never actually read the Schleswig-Holstein question, the actual answer to which was C.

Blu-Tac or drawing pins?

Drawing pins for red meat, Blu-tac for fish and chicken. With game you can use either but I recommend Sellotape.

What about those bloody immigrants eh?

A frighteningly-phrased question from this reader, but immigration has always been a massive problem as far as the British are concerned. Take the Indians. Boat-loads of British people immigrated into India and killed lots of them. Then they took over loads of things and didn’t even open any decent restaurants.  On the other hand there have also been problems with immigration into Britain. The worst example that we know of was the Normans, who came over here taking our jobs and harrowing our North. Possibly the Angles and Saxons were worse but we don’t know because they killed all the Romano-Celtic scribes so nobody knew how to write down the subsequent outrages. Maybe this is a good argument for having a basic literacy element in the citizenship test. Fundamentally, some people have been coming over here/going over there and stealing our/their jobs/culture/mammoths for some time and I suspect it may now be too late to get everyone to go back to where they all came from (i.e. The Rift Valley).

Where do all the socks go once they enter the washing machine?

The washing machine doesn’t destroy socks, but it does literally turn their world up side down, and round about half way through the spin cycle many of them begin to yearn for a better life. Some of the socks go on to further education, or travel, others may pen a semi-autobiographical rite-of-passage novel. These last ones encounter a lot of rejection from publishers banging on about how it’s hard to sell anything these days that isn’t a “genre” and eventually become disillusioned. In the end they try a succession of low-paid tutoring jobs then go back to being socks, but kind of angry deep down, so they go at the heel.

If "nemo" is Latin for no one, who did the clown fish find?

The clown fish found only the endless sea of always-absent meaning that Jacques Derrida called Différance. Also a really funny but dumb blue fish called Dory.

So now hopefully the birthday-candle of knowledge flickers ever-so-slightly brighter in the malevolent catacombs of endless chaos.  Why not send in your own questions on any subject big or small, before the tiny flame gutters and all is infinite darkness?

Watching Telly with a Giant Lizard.

More answers to your questions on the things that really matter in the universe.

Who's gonna clean up this mess?

After many centuries of trial and error society has arranged this as follows - if the person that made the mess is under thirty years old it will be the job of their parents to clean it up (eg. all that Plasticine in the carpet or chronic unemployability), whereas if the person who made the mess is over thirty it will be the job of their children to clear it up (eg senility or Global Warming).

Why haven't I won the lottery?

I’m sorry to say that this is your own fault. Like everybody, you have already won several major cash prizes and probably a bucketful of I-pods too. Like everybody you will have had letters and pop-ups and phone calls from Spanish robots telling you about it. But you haven’t shown ANY interest. You haven’t even replied. Automated junk mail distributors are people too, and inevitably you’ve hurt their feelings, and word has got round in the wider cash-prize-distributing community that you simply can’t be bothered. You may say that buying a lottery ticket is proof of a genuine interest in winning the lottery, but people often buy things not because they hope to use them but because they feel they ought to, otherwise why would we have dental floss?

If someone is "out of your league" does that mean football or cricket?

Neither. It’s a reference to the Hanseatic trading league of Baltic city states from the 13^th to 17^th Century. This is good news for romantics because it means you can entice someone you find attractive into your league by offering them lucrative trade in furs, rye and resin. If that doesn’t work then a punitive military expedition to set fire to their navy could force them into some kind of treaty arrangement leading to nights out, country walks and maybe more.

When should you swap your camel?

This kind of insensitive question makes me very angry. Camels are not some commodity to be swapped and bartered at the nearest oasis like so many carpets, basket of dates, or daughters.

What is Bad Science?

“Bad” Science describes science midway between “Evil” Science and “Perfectly Fine” Science under the Wissenshaftsmoralität Klassifizierung, which was the old system for measuring mad scientists before that all went metric and we had to start talking about Boffins and Kilo-boffins (thank you Brussels). Under the old system, a mad scientist who created a giant lizard to destroy New York would be an Evil Scientist whereas a mad scientist who created a giant lizard to watch repeats of Have I Got News For You? on the Dave Channel would be a Perfectly Fine Scientist. A Bad Scientist would typically create a Giant Lizard that would tag park benches, play its music too loud on the bus and end up with an ASBO.

Is it time yet?

It is time yet, and has been since the beginning of time. The more worrying issue is that at some point it won’t be time anymore, but until that happens we’ve still got time.

So hopefully that’s cleared a few things up, but if anything is still bothering you within the great sphere of all creation, then ask away.

Vince Cable and the Kaiser's poorly zebra

More answers to your questions on the subject of everything in the universe.

Who owns the gang of horses currently roaming free in the otherwise quiet cul-de-sacs of Ashford, Kent?

The Kaiser does. In 1860 Queen Victoria conferred on her infant grandson Wilhelm the title of Procurator-Royal of the Kentish Horse, which gave him a theoretical right of requisition over all hoofed mammals of the four ancient towns of Sandwich, Margate, Rochester and Ashford. At the outbreak of hostilities in 1914 the Kaiser duly put his claim to the 413 horses, 8 donkeys and a poorly zebra in writing to George V, but George in a bid to avoid having to snub his cousin pretended to be out, and continued to do so for the next four years. The Treaty of Versailles expressly demanded that the Kaiser withdraw his claims on the animals, but in the treaty Ashford was mistakenly recorded as Ashtead. Thus the claim was never legally rescinded, and the horses of Ashford are still technically at the disposal of the Kaiser.

When is Jeremy Paxman?

By day mild-mannered Jeremy works as assistant manager for an artisanal cheese-makers’ co-operative near Stroud. But should democracy be in danger, or students need to be snorted at derisively while trying to answer questions about Keats and the formation of Triphosphorous Heptachloride, then the BBC puts out a special coded signal. Only then does Jeremy become Paxman. The rest of the time he keeps his special sneering suit in the cold-store, and he has a secret Paxphone shaped like a truckle of Double Gloucester.

Why did God invent moths?

God loves all forms of holiness, and this even extends to homonyms. It’s that kind of thoroughness that got God where he is today, ie everywhere.

If it is true that many surnames originated as a result of one’s occupation what is the history of Vince Cable’s family?

Certainly some surnames have their origins in the occupations of our ancestors, hence names like Tim Smith, Daisy Mugger and Saffron Loss-Adjuster. Other names find their origins in personal traits: Dennis Brown, Liam Ottersmell and Samantha Horrible. And a third category of names denote the places our ancestors came from: The Outlaw Josie Wales; Olwen Chatanooga; and Xarglfax  Horsehead-Nebula. Vince Cable does indeed fall into that first category, having had an ancestor who was three thousand miles tall who spent some time submerged under the Atlantic passing on messages, then went on to have a successful career designing and knitting jumpers.

And following on from that, what are the origins of the surname Battery?

Most likely this refers to an ancestor who was a clumsy apprentice in a pancake factory.

Do keep the questions rolling in or we’ll never get the universe comprehensively explained before time itself shall cease, and so we won’t know whether any of it mattered or not, which would be a shame.

Roman Catholic Bears.

This is Blog Number 8 in the series that aims to answer every possibly question in the universe. So we’re well on the way I think.

Why does no one ever read the manual?

Manuals have never been part of the evolutionary process. Our ingenious ancestors worked out from first principles how to bring low the mighty mammoth by terrifying it with screams and crude implements until they drove it over a cliff to its death. So now as we take up the genetic baton of the human race it’s clear to us that we need no manual for the new DVD player. Simply by following our ancestral instincts we know we can terrify it with screams and crude implements and drive it over a cliff to its death.

Why is the sky blue?

This has long puzzled scientists but they now believe it is because the sky woke up one morning and its woman had done left it on its own.

To be or not to be?

By modern standards this is an incredibly poorly-devised piece of market research. We’d learn a lot more about what Hamlet’s feelings were re the relative merits of “being” and “not being” if Shakespeare had used a more nuanced scale of one to five, where 1 is for those who strongly agree with “being” and “5” is for those who strongly disagree, and would rather prefer make their own quietus with a bare bodkin. Hamlet could then have ticked “3” – “no strong opinion either way” – which would have made for a much shorter and clearer play.

Do bears live in the Vatican?

No. Bears have not lived in the Vatican since 1873. Until that date emissaries of all the Catholic animals lived within the Papal See, and attendance there was seen as a great honour for the creatures involved, although also an inconvenience for the Catholic fish. However, it had long been a tradition that the delegation of holy bears would leave the Vatican each day and make their way to the woods to perform certain key rituals specific to their order. As Rome grew and the surrounding area became deforested this became more and more impractical and the inhabitants of nearby orchards grew distressed at the site of the full Papal delegation of twelve large bears in the full regalia of the Catholic church squatting behind one small pear tree. At the same time relations with another species on the Vatican Vertebrate Council became strained following the unexplained disappearance of a senior Catholic salmon, and the Pope himself was forced to intervene. The following day as the bears left for their daily ritual His Holiness asked “Defaecantne ursi in silva?” and on receiving an answer in the affirmative he decreed the locks of the Vatican be changed and the doors be closed against the bears forever.

Thanks for all your questions and sorry if I haven't answered you this week. Do remember that the universe is continually expanding so do keep the questions coming or we'll fall behind.

Cress and Methodism

Thank you for your excellent questions. Here are the answers to some of them.

What is the point of it all?

The point of it all is the sharp bit at the end of it all. This of course begs the question “which end?” Some experts on it all have suggested that if you could get to the bottom of it all you would be able to see the point of it all. Clearly if the point is at the bottom then it follows that it all is balancing on its pointy end. That means that the current orientation of it all is inherently unstable and it all could fall over at any moment, which is certainly how it all feels.

How do carrots behave in a vacuum?

The short answer is “appallingly”. In a vacuum carrots are sullen, uncooperative, and thoughtless. They also never say “thank you” and have absolutely zero drag. However it’s worth remembering that culturally carrots have very different standards of behaviour from humans (except teenagers) so we shouldn’t be tempted to judge the sulky orange idiots.

Do these trousers make me look fat?

I’m afraid the answer is yes. Those trousers are awful.

Is yogurt alive?

Yoghurt is alive, but it’s not been well. Hence the smell.

Why is cress?

In 1911 Petrel Tressurgeon, Bodmin’s most famous aeronautical pioneer was desperate to be the first man to fly the English Channel. A fiercely loyal Cornish man, he vowed to take off from his native county, though this added one hundred and fifty three miles to the twenty-one-mile journey. Being a Methodist, Tressurgeon had no wind-sock and so like most non-conformists he checked the direction of the prevailing wind with a small handful of cress, which in those days was inedible, just as it is today. This inadvertently blew onto his lunch, a ham and cheese toasted sandwich, at which point Tressurgeon brushed the cress off with a dismissive tut and ate the sandwich. Then he turned his aircraft into the wind and with a smart crack of the whip he took off. His horse-drawn tri-plane remained airborne for one hundred and three feet, the precise height of the cliff from which he began his flight. Neither he nor his three shire-horses survived. The next morning a newspaper from London arrived announcing that Bleriot had flown the channel just two years earlier. Ever since then sandwich chefs have commemorated Tressurgeon with a sprinkle of cress. In copying his gesture of dismissively removing the cress from our toasted sandwich we honour this true British hero.

It’s possible that this last question was intended as a more philosophical inquiry into the place of garnishes in the universe. Rest assured that as this blog’s mission is to answer all possible questions at some point before the end of time, this enormously complex and painful subject along with all other possible subjects will be covered in due course.

Earl Grey Trousers

Here are this week’s pebbles of “because” dropped into the ocean of “why?”

Why are people scared of clowns when there is so little clown-related crime?

We’re not frightened of clowns because of what they might do.  We fear their negligence, and rightly so.  Clown Health and Safety Training is non-existent. A clown is an accident waiting to happen. I once did some management consultancy for a Clown Custard Pie Factory and there were countless incidents of irresponsibility, poor teamwork and just plain stupidity every day. In the twenty-seven months I observed them at work not a single pie made it into their distributor’s vans.  The business survived for a time as the clowns were content to work for the smiles and laughter of children, but it was eventually bankrupted by massive consultancy fees.

How many is four?

There’s no correct answer to this as four isn’t really a number, but a letter of the alphabet that has by convention come to denote the un-named number between three and five. It is used in words like “Petit Fours”, “Lord Balfour”, and “Four”. Its proper place is actually in the alphabet, between the letters “¶” and “Bethany”.

Why doesn’t my son hear anything I say?

It’s possible your son may be French. Don’t be frightened by all the scare-stories on the internet about this – many French children grow up to lead wonderful and fulfilling lives. Don’t try talking to him in French though as he will pretend not to understand your accent, even if it’s actually perfectly fine.

What are the origins of the colour green?

There were originally only six colours in the spectrum, red, orange, yellow, blue, violet and carbonara. In Roman times Caesar Verdurus decreed that an additional colour, green, should be added to the spectrum to celebrate the addition of Greenland to the Roman Empire. Verdurus’s successor, Indigus, perhaps the most competitive of the Caesars and certainly the most apoplectic decreed that he too should have a colour to honour his achievements  and the range of visible light was extended to include indigo. As a footnote, it was only recently that advances in electro-spectrometry revealed carbonara not to be a true colour at all, so it is no longer included in the rainbow.

Which is best, Earl Grey or Normal?

It depends. Earl Grey was a British prime minister famous for liking the strong citrus aroma of Bergamot oil, which he added liberally to everything. This worked very well in tea, but history has been less kind to Earl Grey Mashed Potato; Earl Grey Trousers; and the infamous Earl Grey Elephant, which rampaged furiously through both Houses of Parliament dripping with strong-smelling unguent until it was finally put to sleep with a reading from one of Benjamin Disraeli’s early novels. The story of Thomas Normal who amassed a great fortune by not adding Bergamot to a range of every-day products is too well-known to need repeating here.

Are tomatoes really a fruit or are they lying to us?

Tomatoes are actually a verb. Generally though they are not to be trusted.

An infinite number of further questions are necessary to guarantee this blog can fulfil its aim of explaining everything in the universe, so do keep up the vital work…