By Gareth Edwards

Sunday, 31 October 2010

Smoothies of Good and Evil, and Unconsidered Tigers.

Thank you for your many excellent questions, each in some way a facet of the larger question "What does it all mean"? Here are answers to a few of them, each in some way a facet of the larger answer that will one day become apparent, although to be honest, probably not soon.

Why are people different heights?
Human bodies are designed to be, when standing, exactly the right length to fill in the gap between the human head and the floor. You’ve probably noticed that different people keep their heads at all sorts of different distances from the floor, and so bodies have to be all kinds of different sizes.

Is my daughter correct when she tells me she is “a sheepy”?

As adults we confidently navigate our way through the three dimensions of up, sideways and along and forget that this is a learned convention. Children, unaware of this arrangement, often find themselves in seven or eight other dimensions that we can’t even imagine. That’s how the teapot got broken that time even though none of my children ever even touched it or anything. Children have also not yet acquired the adult trait of travelling at a constant speed through time, so it can take them five adult seconds to do something quite difficult such as spreading jam all the way up the stairs but three quarters of an hour to put on their shoes. Thus it’s quite possible that when your daughter says she is a sheepy she is describing her state in some dimensional space you can’t perceive. As we grow older this tendency to move in and out of different dimensions at variable speeds through time deserts us except just after we have rung our partner to say we are “just about to leave” the pub.

Is it true that Innocent Smoothies can never be convicted of a crime?
Not really. The makers of Innocent Smoothies are not using the word "innocent" in its legal sense. Their point is more a theological one. Innocence can be described as a lack of experience of sin, but the word must also imply the possibility of experiencing sin at some point. In other words innocence can’t really exist without free will. Thus for example you can’t have an innocent brick because a brick has no free will to choose between good and evil, and you can’t have an innocent seagull because seagulls are horrid. Just as Adam and Eve fell from Eden, in time Innocent Smoothies will inevitably be tempted and become Smoothies Made of the Fruit of the Tree whereof they were Commanded not to be Made. This will be much harder to fit on the label, but on the plus side, their marketing will be less cutesy and sanctimonious.

How can I not think about tigers?
Begin by not thinking about a jungle at dusk, then don’t think about a bush rustling behind you though there is no wind. Then don’t imagine turning too late, your helpless shriek cut short by the rushing onslaught of a powerful stripy carnivore hurtling at you, its jaws agape.  There are about 3,000 tigers in the wild, so if you follow this procedure once every day in a little over 8 years you’ll have not thought about all of them.

That’s all that our arbitrary adult conventions say there is "time" and "space" for. Do keep the questions coming and watch out for unconsidered tigers.


  1. Loved it, great post!

    What do people who don't have a question but do have the urge to comment for no particular reason do?
    Do they ask a question about not having a question but instead having the urge to comment for no particular reason and say 'what do people who don't have a question but do have the urge to comment for no particular reason do?'. Ohh they do!

  2. Which is best? Earl Grey or normal?

  3. Are tomatoes really a fruit? Or are they lying to us?

  4. Are fortune cookies wiser than other biscuits?

  5. What are the origins of the colour green?

  6. How many is four?

  7. Can one have a gaggle of google responses? What is the collective term for all the responses that google gives?

  8. Is it better to lie through your nose or lie through your teeth, or lie through your ass? (as in, that man was lying out of his ass) What or rather where is the best way to tell a lie?

  9. At what age exactly do all the people in adverts (apart from the stair lift ads) start to look younger than you?