By Gareth Edwards

Saturday, 11 December 2010

Watching Telly with a Giant Lizard.

More answers to your questions on the things that really matter in the universe.

Who's gonna clean up this mess?
After many centuries of trial and error society has arranged this as follows - if the person that made the mess is under thirty years old it will be the job of their parents to clean it up (eg. all that Plasticine in the carpet or chronic unemployability), whereas if the person who made the mess is over thirty it will be the job of their children to clear it up (eg senility or Global Warming).

Why haven't I won the lottery?
I’m sorry to say that this is your own fault. Like everybody, you have already won several major cash prizes and probably a bucketful of I-pods too. Like everybody you will have had letters and pop-ups and phone calls from Spanish robots telling you about it. But you haven’t shown ANY interest. You haven’t even replied. Automated junk mail distributors are people too, and inevitably you’ve hurt their feelings, and word has got round in the wider cash-prize-distributing community that you simply can’t be bothered. You may say that buying a lottery ticket is proof of a genuine interest in winning the lottery, but people often buy things not because they hope to use them but because they feel they ought to, otherwise why would we have dental floss?

If someone is "out of your league" does that mean football or cricket?
Neither. It’s a reference to the Hanseatic trading league of Baltic city states from the 13th to 17th Century. This is good news for romantics because it means you can entice someone you find attractive into your league by offering them lucrative trade in furs, rye and resin. If that doesn’t work then a punitive military expedition to set fire to their navy could force them into some kind of treaty arrangement leading to nights out, country walks and maybe more.

When should you swap your camel?
This kind of insensitive question makes me very angry. Camels are not some commodity to be swapped and bartered at the nearest oasis like so many carpets, basket of dates, or daughters.

What is Bad Science?
“Bad” Science describes science midway between “Evil” Science and “Perfectly Fine” Science under the Wissenshaftsmoralität Klassifizierung, which was the old system for measuring mad scientists before that all went metric and we had to start talking about Boffins and Kilo-boffins (thank you Brussels). Under the old system, a mad scientist who created a giant lizard to destroy New York would be an Evil Scientist whereas a mad scientist who created a giant lizard to watch repeats of Have I Got News For You? on the Dave Channel would be a Perfectly Fine Scientist. A Bad Scientist would typically create a Giant Lizard that would tag park benches, play its music too loud on the bus and end up with an ASBO.

Is it time yet?
It is time yet, and has been since the beginning of time. The more worrying issue is that at some point it won’t be time anymore, but until that happens we’ve still got time.

So hopefully that’s cleared a few things up, but if anything is still bothering you within the great sphere of all creation, then ask away.


  1. As we all know, penguins are qualified stockbrokers, but what do they do on their day off?

  2. 10 points for the Hanseatic League mention!

  3. You never fail to put a smile on my face. And enlighten me, of course.

    Blu-tac of drawing pins?

    Where do all my socks go once they enter the washing machine?

  4. I wasn't watching the X Factor, I don't know who won. Was it any of us?

  5. I have to say, I think you were unfairly very down on dental floss.

    Chin up, floss, there are those of us who value you greatly.

  6. Yes indeed, apologies if I caused any offence. My question arose after being given an Arabian riddle by an eccentric Lebanese man. I expect I would get rather attached to a camel, much like a horse or a dog.

    Why is static so interfering?

  7. What about those BLOODY immigrants eh?

  8. Is the Pope, in fact, Catholic?

  9. If "nemo" is Latin for no one, who did the clown fish find?

  10. Was it wrong of me to swap my carpets, baskets of dates and my daughters FOR the camel I've just welcomed into my household? Oops.

  11. What has become of the Great British Quince?

  12. Did history correctly answer the Schleswig-Holstein Question?

  13. Why did humans decide on business cards?

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